Do you find yourself living the same relationship over and over again? We do. And here’s how to stop that. Maayan’s dear friend Kate comes back on to discuss her favorite new book: Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. Thank you Dr. Seth Meyers!!
Get your book here 🙂
Listen to this: Broken Record – Are You On Relationship Repeat?
The show discussion on the book:
What is Relationship Repetition Syndrome or RRS or RR’s?
- It’s a vicious cycle of behaviour where you repeat one of four patterns that sabotage your romantic relationships. You either idealize partners based on external characteristics, emotionally chase partners, try to save wounded souls or sacrifice yourself.
- Find yourself attracted to partners who don’t meet your emotional needs
- Find yourself attracted to the same characteristics that ultimately make you unhappy in your relationships
- Prioritize the wrong characteristics as you seek out partners.
- Consistently realize belatedly that your partner is not the right one for you.
You find yourself repeating the same TOXIC patterns ending up with the wrong person over and over again whether it be dating, short-term or long-term relationships even marriage.
The Four Major Patterns
- Idealizing the External
- Emotional Chasing
- Rescuing Wounded Souls
- Sacrificing Yourself
Idealizing the External
- Being drawn to partners with a physical type, appearance, professional status, age – prioritizes these characteristics above everything else.
- Thinks that someone with the appearance or professional status they are drawn to will be enough to make them happy
- Being drawn to partners who will not commit and settle down, who cheat or whom they put on a pedestal
- Is usually more emotionally committed to the relationship than the partner is
- Believes they have to work hard to keep the partner interested because they feel they could slide through their fingers and shapes themselves into what they think that partner wants
Rescuing Wounded Souls
- Being drawn to partners who are emotionally unstable in some way.
- Repeatedly finds themselves with partners who seem to have great potential while are also helpless or misguided.
- Desperately tries to help their partner but at the root is trying to CHANGE their partner
- Tends to have partners with histories of anxiety, depression or substance abuse. Often coming from a family in which there was a high level of turmoil and drama
- Being drawn to partners who verbally emotionally, sexually or physically abuse them
- Often fears that one wrong move could trigger their partner to get angry and begin the abusive cycle
- Tries to excuse her partner’s abusive or controlling behaviour
- Eventually begins to wonder if they’re going insane because the partner does such a great job of putting the blame on them.
The Big Four Underlying Causes of RRS
- Impulsive Coping Style
- Distorted Beliefs
- Fear of having a good relationship – with a penchant for repeating toxic patterns with the wrong partner’s anxiety levels can rise significantly in a good healthy relationship as positive emotions expose you to rejection and pain.
- Fear of Intimacy – by cycling through one bad relationship after another one actively avoids intimacy and again the idea of real intimacy can bring on anxious turmoil for RR’s
- Denial of emotional needs – being out of touch with your emotional needs and never ever having your needs met
- Denial of old feelings – one keeps repeating because they are in denial of their feelings, their own needs and denial of old feelings such as anger and or sadness.
- Denial of your own accountability – you repeat because you do not hold yourself accountable for why things went wrong
Impulsive Coping Style
- Drawn to drama – big drama equals big love and may RR’s tolerate drama because they are afraid they couldn’t tolerate stability.
- Addictive Tendency – the addictive quality is continuing to engage in toxic behaviour that you know is not good for you.
- Unrealistic Expectations – believing that a relationship will permanently change the way you feel for the better i.e. make you happy forever
- Cognitive Rigidity – seeking out a partner from a very narrow restrictive selection of partners.
Winning Formula – The prescription for Change
Setting you Goal – Insight + Behaviour = Identity Change
Insight – Understanding how you get STUCK in toxic patterns becoming aware of your feelings thoughts and behaviours
Behaviour Change – Stay with it, it’s not the easiest thing to completely change your behaviour as its new, unfamiliar, uncomfortable and can feel like a lonely process.
Identity Change – Our Identity has told us repeating a toxic pattern is what you’re supposed to do… You’re challenging this learning to identify your RR triggers
Which reason best fits why you repeat?
If none of them go back and read about denial 🙂 🙂
The Wonderful Exercise Chapters
This is a fantastic section which I advise you to set the time aside to give it your full attention as this will help you look at yourself and your relationships in an honest, loving and forgiving way.
The Final Chapters
Offer you techniques, affirmations & tasks to help you along the way in your new approach to relationships. One section which resonated with me personally is the ‘How not to lose yourself in a relationship’ which reminds you that while you focus on the relationship with your partner you should be ever mindful of the relationship you’re conducting on the side, the relationship with yourself… there are two relationships going on in every relationship… so remember to be loving, kind and gentle to both your partner and you. xx xx
Kate’s tip is on PATIENCE:
Patience – Iyanla Vanzant
In the same way that we are unable to rush the sunrise of the unfolding of the seasons, we can’t force ourselves through a challenging experience in less time than we need to learn, heal, or grow. Patience makes our difficulties pass as gently as possible.
Maayan is ranting about doing endless amounts of dishes. There never seems to be an end to them sometimes and that blows 🙁