As some of you may have heard in our latest newsletter–I’m taking a little break from the podcast/blogging biz. This is thanks to my ever-expanding womb and the wee one inside of it. While she’s not technically due for another 3 weeks, I have a bad habit of going into labor early (Miles made his debut exactly 3 weeks early), and this baby feels like she’s not going to wait much longer either.
It’s weird to stare at an impending life change–one as momentous as a new, second child–from a short, yet very removed distance. It’s like being tied to a boulder whilst watching an avalanche or tsunami rush towards you. You hold your breath, squeeze your eyes shut…and yet there’s just no way you can prepare yourself for the onslaught. And keep in mind, it’s a tsunami that’s like…maybe 5 days away, maybe 3 weeks away….you’re not quite sure, but you’re staring at it all the same, trying to figure out what the fuck you can do to make it less devastating when it happens.
What’s even harder, I think, is that I’ve been through this. My mind can’t go all blank and pudding-like with blissful ignorance like it did before. It KNOWS. It knows the utter exhaustion, the anxiety, the all-consuming effort that comes with caring for a new life. And because it knows, I can’t help but freak out.
Since having my first child, I’ve managed to slowly return to a life and identity that resembles the one I had before parenthood (it’s a patchy, fuzzy resemblance, mind you). First came those few and far-between trips away from the baby–scary as hell, yet freeing. The first precious excursions to the cinema… intoxicated by the aroma of buttery popcorn, high on my cup of icy Coke….yet still spent the film checking my phone obsessively, texting my parents ‘how’s it going??’ every 15 minutes.
Then came the occasional happy-hour get together with friends (margaritas never tasted sweeter, let me tell you). Leaving my son for short periods of time started to feel less terrifying, less like ripping my heart out of my chest, and more like a something normal, and, dare I say, necessary.
Eventually, the freelance writing projects didn’t seem so impossible to consider, and I began to take on a small project here and there. And then, maybe most exciting of all, Maayan approached me with her idea for a little podcast…a chance for a creative outlet, a chance to remember and give myself a voice after what felt like an eternity of being nothing but MOMMY.
Pillowtok, Gossipist, and now…(yes, drum roll please, everyone)…Glimpse of Brilliance…have been some of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. And now, to step away, to submerge myself back into that world of MOMMY…is scary. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to let go of my voice.
And I won’t. Not forever. Nothing is permanent–a truth that’s both comforting and unsettling at the same time. I think it’s really the main mantra parents need to tell themselves–to remind them that this too shall pass–and not only that– it will pass ALL too soon. So I’m remembering that, as the time ticks down, and the tsunami gets closer. This too shall pass. All too soon.
Wish me luck– I’ll see you when the waters subside.