Romanticizer and Geek-in-Residence

-by Lauren

I’ll make this brief, as I’m sure I’m in the minority, and many peoples’ hackles are going to rise after hearing this rant. So I don’t want to dig the hole too deep. But…ice cream cakes are an abomination.


I guess someone really hates Nancy.

WHY. Do they exist.


Jesus Christ. Make it stop.

If I want ice cream, I’ll go and get a scoop. It will look like this.  I will know it is ice cream.  Anyone who is trying a bite, will also know it is ice cream.

We all know what we're getting here.

We all know what we’re getting here.

If I want cake (which I do), I will bake or buy a cake.  It will look like this, and I will know it is cake, and anyone who is trying a bite, will also know it is cake.

Heaven on earth.  Do not mess with this.

Heaven on earth. Do not mess with this.

But then along comes ice cream cake, and it’s all like, “heyyyyyy guys want to eat me?  I’m so spongy and flour-based and room-temperature and delicious–PSYCH!!!!!!  HAHAHAH you FOOL!!  I am totally a giant, solid block of freezing ice cream coated–COATED–in frosting!! Just like how you always like, right?? A big weird-ass coating of FROSTING on top of your already totally sweet and cream-based dessert, RIGHT??”

Just look at that evil, laughing a-hole.

Just look at that evil, laughing a-hole.

No, ice cream cake, no, I don’t in fact like having a weird layer of sugary frosting over ice cream.  I actually just like ice cream as the Lord made it–in cones, with maybe a shake of sprinkles or nuts on it and a drizzle of fudge…And actually, when i saw you, I thought you were a REAL CAKE, and thus my tastebuds were preparing themselves for that delicate and heady delight of airy, sweet cake and rich, creamy frosting to dance on them–


“HAHAHAHAHA”  says ice cream cake.  “I fucking fooled you!”